Rev. Michelle Shoger was about to attend the Annual Conference Session preceding her first clergy appointment in 2023 when her husband Scott died suddenly and unexpectedly.
The grief of the tragic loss was devastating for her and her two teenage daughters. They took time to grieve and engage in therapy, and there wasn’t anything that could have been done to prepare for the emotional impact. But beyond the emotions at the time of death, there is another challenge: Those left behind must struggle with logistics.
Scott was only 43 years old. Most young couples don’t consider the death of a spouse something they need to be concerned with, especially something sudden. But in the immediate aftermath, while the family is still in shock, life goes on, and some things must be done.
“As in most relationships, we had a division of labor,” Michelle said. “He took care of the bills and the banking.”
She had access to his phone, which gave her access to some accounts, but she didn’t know what bank accounts they had or what life insurance he may have had through his work. Things that made no difference before, like having multiple names on accounts, suddenly did.
“With one of my daughter’s accounts, his name was the only name on it besides hers so that I couldn’t do anything with it,” she said.
Bills came out of their bank account through auto-pay, but it was hard to figure out where the money was going and for what purpose. Months into the process, unknown bills were still coming up.
Scott was a theologian who met Michelle at Simpson College in Iowa and attended Duke Seminary. He did his doctoral work at St. Louis University and taught theology at Catholic high schools in St. Louis. Although Michelle had a Master’s in Divinity from Duke, she worked in youth ministry, children’s ministry and as an administrative assistant before becoming a pastor.
In addition to all the financial concerns, other logistics require immediate attention when people aren’t in a position to think through details. Scott’s funeral service was back in his hometown of Iowa, and Michelle left the arrangements up to his parents. She wished she had Scott’s favorite scripture and song on hand to recommend.
“I told my daughters my funeral service will be for them, not for me,” she said.
The Missouri United Methodist Foundation provides a free Putting Your House in Order class to help others in similar situations. Rev. Laura Murphy has conducted these workshops for three and a half years.
In 2024, 825 people attended PYHIO classes across Missouri, and 26 classes were held in large and small churches.
“In the U.S., 50% of people who die don’t have a will or estate plan,” Murphy said. “I’m working to get Missouri’s United Methodists on the right side of that split.”
As a pastor, Murphy found that one of her strengths was honoring people by telling their stories at funerals and memorial services and providing pastoral care for families during grief.
Murphy’s class isn’t just about writing a will or estate plan; it also takes an emotional, practical and theological approach to preparing for death. Each class participant takes away a binder filled with pages they fill out, detailing details ranging from social media account usernames and passwords to preferences for funeral arrangements. She’ll often serve as a guest preacher at a church and deliver a sermon related to the class she will offer in the afternoon after church.
“When you put your house in order, it allows your family members to process their grief holistically,” she said.
Workshops are best in person, but Murphy offers three online classes yearly. Her next online class will be held on January 20, 2025, at 6:30 p.m. Learn more and register here.